Wife: Yesterday night I saw a dream that you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw a dream that your dad was paying the bill.

Teacher to doctor’s daughter: Your grades are terrible! I shall send for your father! The doctor’s daughter: Think twice, teacher. Daddy always charges 50 dollars for each visit.

If a single teacher can’t teach us all subjects, then how can a student learn all these subjects?

Boy: Our principal [13] is so stupid. Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I am the principal’s daughter. Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Good. (Walks away).

It takes [14] 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Save trees! Say no to exams!

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet. “Hey, what are you doing in there?” “I’m riding a bus.” “That’s a stupid answer!” “That’s a stupid question!”

– David, your ideas are like diamonds. – You mean they are so valuable? – No, I mean they are so rare.

One woman says to her friend: – I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong. – Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.

“Medicine won’t help you at all,” the doctor told his patient. “What you need is a complete change of living. Get away [15] to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day [16] ”. A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. “Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!”

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice. [17]

The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

A young girl once asked Mark Twain [18] if he liked books for Christmas gifts. “Well, that depends, [19] ” answered the great humorist, “if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop. [20] If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table. [21] A large book, like an atlas on geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass. [22] ”

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

A bewhiskered [23] American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap, [24] caught the farmer’s beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:

– Take your paws away from my beard! – What’s the matter, mister? – said the aggressive little man. – Are you getting off? [25]

A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come [26] from under the bed. “Is there someone there?” he asked absently. “No, professor,” answered the thief. “That is strange,” muttered the professor. “I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.”

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher [27] and a guy with a Chihuahua. [28] The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,

– Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

– Just follow me.

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on [29] a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,

– Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,